Thursday, July 16, 2015

Gateshead Rav on child abuse : It is time to say, "Enough!" It is time to end the silence

I received the following drosho of the Gateshead Rav given last Shabbos. He has given me permission to post it:


You may post it if you wish K”T


 The Gateshead Rav's recent Shabbos Drosho included criticism regarding how child abuse has been dealt with in the Jewish community.
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Avos (1:14) HE [ALSO] USED TO SAY: IF I AM NOT FOR MYSELF, WHO IS FOR ME, BUT IF I AM FOR MY OWN SELF [ONLY], WHAT AM I, AND IF NOT NOW, WHEN?

משנה מסכת אבות )פרק א:יד): הוא היה אומר, אם אין אני לי, מי לי. וכשאני לעצמי, מה אני. ואם לא עכשיו, אימתי:

The Chossid Ya'avetz writes that there are three ingredients required for someone to have an עליה רוחניות- a spiritual improvement. Firstly a person must recognise the value of being a better person. Secondly a person will only feel the urge to climb if he is not content with his current level. Finally if a person wants to "shteig", he will only do so if he realises the significance of the present.

These are the lessons of our Mishnahאם אין אני לי- if I don't appreciate the value of becoming better, then I can't be convinced to improve. וכשאני לעצמי  - if I appreciate a higher level yet are content with where I am now – מה אני  - what chance do I ever have of becoming better. ואם לא עכשיו אימתי - If I cannot grasp the moment now- I will never.

The Chofetz Chaim writes that if one wants to succeed in a financial sense then he has to follow the golden rule of "trying to make the greatest reward whilst using the least effort". This lesson can be achieved primarily in one of three ways. Firstly one can have employees to work on his behalf. In that way the workers will toil and the owner will reap the profit. A second option would be to find work in a lucrative setting where only a few hours of work could provide a serious income. The diamond trade could be an example of this. Then there is a third way to achieve this and that is to work in an industry which is season-dependent. In this way the hard work of a few months can be a great pay-off for the rest of the year. Selling Esrogim could be such an example.

That is all well and good when it comes to earning a livelihood, but when it comes to spiritual matters, says the Chofetz Chaim, the opposite is true. A person's spiritual level is judged by his efforts and not by achievements and our Mishnah can be learnt as a homily in order to reinforce this idea.

אם אין אני לי מי לי- If I don't work for myself, then who will work for me? With our Avoida, we can't ask others to fill in for ourselves. We can't have an employee wearing Tefillin and have Yiras Shamayim on our behalf.

Next, אם אני לעצמי מה אני - If I work only for myself for a most of the day, then what am I?

Finally, ואם לא עכשיו אימתי - If I don't work the whole year, if there are times of the year that I'm not working on the עכשיו then when will I work for the "now"? Avoidas Hashem is an all-year-round commitment. It can't be left for just a set period in the year.

Though if we were to understand the Mishna according to its "Pshat" we learn that we need to work with a two-fold approach. Firstly we can't live as hermits; אם אין אני לי מי לי- we can't rely on others to fill in those communal gaps. We can't rely on others to work on our behalf. Yet on the other hand; אם אני לעצמי מה אני - if we try to take on the communal burden alone then we will never achieve anything either. We need to focus on how to bring those two themes to a point of harmony, to a balance of priorities, and finally to realise that communal work can only ever be achieved by those who have an appreciation to the value of time; those who know and live the  . ואם לא עכשיו אימתי

Reb Ahron of Karlin (in Beis Ahron) writes: ואם לא עכשיו אימתי?- if one doesn't realise now that he has an עכשיו  then when will one ever realise the value of now?

There is a Gemora [Brochos  5a] that writes: A man should always incite the good impulse [in his soul]2 to fight against the evil impulse. For it is written: Tremble and sin not. If he subdues it, well and good. If not, let him study the Torah. For it is written: ‘Commune with your own heart. If he subdues it, well and good. If not, let him recite the Shema’. For it is written: ‘Upon your bed’. If he subdues it, well and good. If not, let him remind himself of the day of death.

If one finds himself in the grip of the Yetser Hora and cannot extricate himself with either the Yetser Hatov, learning Torah or reading the Krias Shema, then one should remind oneself that eventually we will all die.

A chossid who learnt this approached the lmrei Emes and asked, what value does this tactic have? If a young person feels enslaved to his Yetser Hora, what will it help to remind him of the day he will die? He is so far away and can't relate to the day of his death?

The lmrei Emes responded, "The Gemora's intention was never that a person should try and remember the day of his death, rather he should realise the death of "today". Today's opportunities will only ever come once and he will never regain that. "Der Tag starbtheint", It is "today" that is "dying". The Gemora is telling us to grab the opportunities that are brought today.

This week a judge passed sentence over a frum looking individual and sent him to jail for over 13 years for molesting children. It is not my intention to speak specifically about this case, rather to raise questions which are perhaps more general in nature.

Firstly, how did our society allow such a person to be in contact with children for so many years? How was such an individual allowed to coast from institution to institution despite his known background? His behaviour wasn't a secret?!

Was he allowed to continue in his job because he came from a respected family? We have to remember that Esov was raised in the home of Yitzchok and Rivka and nevertheless he became the Esov that he was. That's not a statement about his parents; he was showing "atrisk" signs even in his mother's womb.

So too with this individual, it is worth looking at him through the words of Reb Moshe Sternbuch who said ער איז מער חולה ווי רשע- "he's more sick than wicked". Yet that doesn't vindicate the silence of the community and that is why we ask, "How were our children left for hefker]"

Secondly, we have to wonder, how is it that there are those who err so much as to provide unlimited support to child molesters and won't instead help the victims. How is it that there are unlimited funds to aid the perpetrator and yet the victims struggle to get help for expensive therapy? Not only that, but the victims suffer twice as the offender tries to bully them into silence. How have we stood by and watched this double whammy? These are broken souls which have been hit twice.

You should know that if a Rov is attacked in such a way, it may hurt him and his family, it may harm a community, but a rov is a healthy individual living with a lot of self-confidence, yet these children are broken people. How has it been okay for us to ignore their plight? Is this the behaviour of people who are supposed to be nvron ?רחמנים ביישנים וגומלי חסדים

This doesn't mean that we are attacking specific people; individuals. For if we have an issue about individuals we admonish them in private, and not in public. Furthermore, if we query the behaviour of individuals, we end up with individual answers; Reuven doesn't understand, Shimon is very opinionated, Levi has things to hide about himself, etc. Rather this is a question directed to the public; to the whole community - how is it that we have neglected, how is it that we have kept quiet for something that has been known for so long?

It is most probably because we have no idea what damage is done when children are abused. We have to educate ourselves to understand the pain of these children. The abuse that they have suffered gnaws at them from every direction. Many times these children harm themselves or take their own lives. It can affect their mental state or their married lives even after many years. And of course it affects their spiritual lives too, especially if the molester is in the guise of a frum person.

A recent study in the USA placed child abuse as the single biggest cause for people going "off-the-derech" and despite all of this, over the past few months I have received many letters from victims who all seem to have a similar refrain: "Granted the molester is sick, but what about the community? Do those in charge not care?"

Moirai Veraboisai, it's time that we say "Enough!" It's time to end the silence. It is time that we said that no longer will we leave the next generation for hefker, for the sake of misguided values.

The first thing we have to say is אם אין אני לי מי לי- we have the responsibility for our own families; we should be aware of where our children are and with whom they are socialising.

Then we have to learn וכשאני לעצמי מה אני- if we keep information to ourselves - what do we gain? We must learn how to handle and transfer information.

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